No show of hands is necessary. I'm assuming today that many of us have loved ones who are privately or openly gay. You've asked about "gay marriage." Last week we had a pretty open conversation about the Bible's position about homosexual behavior. Our view on that topic will pretty much be based on our regard for the authority of the Bible. Those with a high view of scripture will likely consider homosexual behavior to be an exchange - natural for unnatural (Romans 1).

Today, I want to start a more personal conversation - those with a low view of scripture will likely formulate independent views for or against based on various inputs.

Family, then family of faith, then human family.

Family matters. Most of us would agree that the nuclear family is like a building block of society. Families suffer, we all suffer. Families thrive, society thrives.

I asked, by the way, one our therapists in the church to speak into this message. His comments were very concise - the homosexual situation affects the family in serious ways even through generations of influence. From a therapeutic perspective. I would add that the saddest part of the homosexual debate is that few people are honest about the impact of molestation and confusing childhood experiences in the lives of many gay people. Many unresolved traumas lie at the heart of this issue. The polarized argument is important, but it can also be a dodge. Many of these folks have been hurt deeply, often in their own families.

And families do matter. Paul tells Timothy that someone who doesn't take care of family (relatives and especially his immediate family) has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

Let's pause and note that no one does more damage to the church than believers who behave like unbelievers. Our hypocrisy harms the church more than any assault ever carried out against the church by Satan, the world, or anyone who belongs to it. It is our own rot and decay in the church that threatens to undo us, far more than anyone else. That's why believers who don't act like believers are worse than unbelievers. The name of Christ and the credibility of the church suffer because of us, not because of those who accuse us, but because those who accuse us are too often right. And we weaken ourselves by our sin; we're crippled for the fight of faith less by the fight itself. The biggest enemy is us. That being said, if we're believers we, God help us, act like believers. One thing believers do is we take care of our own.

But who is family? Jesus certainly picked up the line and moved it. Who are my mother and my brothers? Whoever does the will of my Father in heaven in my brother and sister and mother.

Does that sound cold? Folks, Jesus loved his mother. His brother James became the pastor of the Jerusalem church and one of the authors of the New Testament. It's not in Christ's nature to withhold or forget his family. He's simply suggesting that a shared faith in God and shared core values are actually stronger than blood in forging intimacy. And, in Christ's view, shared faith and core values (doing God's will) is a truer test of the bond we call family then blood. Our cords are tied in a deeper place; our relationship has eternal elements and forever ramifications. We are family even more than family.

What about my biological, or nuclear, family? I love them. I care about them. I'm most bonded to the ones who share my faith and values. We have Christ and blood in common. The others, I pray for often. They matter to me. Many heart-deep matters are not shared between us. Our worldviews are vastly different. In some ways, I am closer to my faith family who knows and understands my heart than to my unbelieving siblings.

As for the lifestyles of non -Christian family members, what am I to do? The same things I'd do with an unbelieving neighbor; I'd love them, I'd try to model a steady life of love, interest, forgiveness, gentleness and good humor. I certainly wouldn't give a family member less than I owe my neighbor. Even more, because of my faith, I want my siblings and family to know that the love of Christ compels me to love even them extraordinarily. Sometimes I do this well. Other times I fail, get distracted by life, disappear from their lives, and otherwise act like an unbeliever. I don't take care of my own. I'm not proud of it.

What about a gay family member? Do we, should we condone? Do we, should we participate in their lives? What about their ceremonies? Is there anything to be gained by holding out?

Goodness, friend, what are our options? Love. Honesty. More love. Authenticity. More love. An occasional moral stand. Then more love. Can I support a loved one without supporting a lifestyle? Yes. I've had siblings living with people out of wedlock and doing a variety of things characteristic of those who don't walk with Christ and far too characteristic of those who do. Am I supposed to disown these people? Hate them? Punish them? No. I want to win them to Christ.

The greater concern in scripture is what we do when Christians (people of faith) don't act like Christians. Clearly, Jesus' biggest frustrations are with religious people, who know the rules and miss the spirit. He didn't come to change the rules - only to get to the heart of God's real purposes. Paul is the same way, though his manner is much more abrupt than Christ. False teachers drive Paul nuts. People in the church who divide and distort and discredit their faith - that's what pushed Paul's buttons. Why? Again, the church does the church more harm than anyone. It's hypocrisy that stifles our best efforts.

What are we supposed to do? Live the Christ life. Do not let sin reign, says Romans 6. No longer live as gentiles (unbelievers) it says in Ephesians 4. Clothe yourselves in righteousness. Put on kindness, peace, love. The list goes on and on - Christians behave like Christians.

The human dilemma, of course, is that this is hard, even with God's help. As Paul writes in Romans 7:11ff.

So what do we do with purity problems in the church? We help each other. How? Again, first look in the mirror. Then, we are told to be gentle and hones with each other. Reprove, rebuke, correct one another in a context of relationship with the goal of restoration. And we try to help each other succeed, not wanting to be stumbling blocks.

And who should make allowance? The mature for the weak, or the weak for the mature? Romans 15:1: "We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak." By the way, in that context, the weak that Paul speaks of are the legalists who are too easily outraged. Even those poor people are to be treated with some consideration. By being flippant with our freedom we tempt them to judge us, and actually participate in their sins of condemnation.

Again, consider I Corinthians 5. Finally, Paul implies, if the person is stubborn and unrepentant and the credibility of the church is being harmed, then distance yourself. Paul often uses phrases like, "Deliver him over to Satan." The idea is that people sometimes have to hit rock bottom in order to wake up and come home to the ways of Christ. Paul isn't really cursing this man, though he does curse those who distort the gospel in Galatians 1:9. He curses them to hell. But again, this is only if the church is being negatively impacted (which it was in I Corinthians). Not all curses are that way. But look again at I Corinthians 5. Paul is frustrated that the church is all in a tizzy about sin in the world and is permissive about sin in the church. The same is true today. What do we expect of the world? If I weren't a Christian, why in the name of nothing and nobody would I want to live like one? Why do Christians get all upset and alarmed when the world acts like the world? Paul writes, "Don't associate with sexually immoral people" - not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral or greedy or swindlers or idolaters. In that case, you'd have to leave the world. I'm talking about Christians. What's Paul saying? Quit whining about the world and hold each other accountable in love. Don't quit the world! They need us! Hold the line with each other! If the light goes out, everyone's in trouble. "If salt loses its taste, how shall its saltiness be restored?"

So what do we do with the world?

Most obviously, Jesus says to be salt and light.

We shouldn't, says Paul in 2 Corinthians 6, be unnecessarily yoked, or associated with those who don't share our faith or values in ways that can diminish us, water us down, lead us into compromise.

We shouldn't, writes John, be too in love with this world or its ways.

But if God loves the people of this world, so should we. If God invested so much in these lost and lonely creatures, so must we. Salt, which is flavoring and preservative. Light, which is life and truth and warmth. That's us.

How do we do this? Love, of course. How do we love?

I Thessalonians 4:11 says "Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands…so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you won't be dependent on anybody." Again, simple credibility.

I Peter 2:11-12 says "as aliens and strangers in this world, abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul. And live such good lives among pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us." Again, good lives. Credibility.

Then it says (13) "Submit yourselves for the Lord's sake to every authority instituted among men: kings, governors."

More complex for us: we are a nation of the people, by the people, for the people. We are the government. Sometimes we have to submit to rules and to those whom we have voted or appointed to rule us. Sometimes we must use our power; our vote, our voice, our influence, to shape the society around us. Jesus silence on the topic is loud. Again, we learn some good things from Jesus silence regarding human kingdoms. He did say "Give to Caesar and to God what belong to God." He also submitted to authority, even to the point of death. But Jesus was also a revolutionary. He was salt and light. He ran with sinners and tax collectors - a rabbi hanging around with ruffians and those on the outskirts of the faith community? Clearly he had change in mind for people, and for society. Clearly his objective was to love and teach love so lavishly, with so much authority (the authority of truth and grace, grace and truth) that people would want him. Others, of course, did not, would not, do not want Him. Light tends to make creatures of the dark scurry for cover. Most of us are still covering up, to some degree, in some area of our lives.

Back to the political - of course Jesus knew that his lavish and inclusive brand of love would be world-changing; even toppling kingdoms and such. But his realm continues to be heavenly, eternal and internal. His is a politic of the heart.

How political, then should we be? All of us, I believe, are called to vote, voice, and otherwise live a credible citizenship. Some of us have moments of significant influence. Others of us will live in the realm of political influence. What a tough calling, to be an ambassador for Christ in a world that is so gray and shady. Take this one issue of gay marriage - some Christians will spend their energies in the political realm trying to preserve the sanctity of marriage between man and woman. Those Christians believe that this society was founded on Christian principles with Christian structures - like marriage - that ought to be upheld.

At the same time, some Christians believe that no one should be denied any of the rights and benefits of a free society, regardless of their lifestyle. Those same Christians may not see marriage as something that Christians have a corner on. We didn't invent it and we're not the only ones who define it or practice it.

So where do I come down? Will you permit me to have a view on this? I think there's a third way and I'm trying to find it. Some of you have been introducing me to the writings of Elias Chacour, a Palestinian Christian, who lives in the middle of tensions we can't imagine. He says that, often, being Christian in this complex world is about finding a third way. Two ways seem obvious. Polar opposites, warring, crying, playing the fool. Being a Christian is about finding a third way.

So what about me? Please listen carefully - it always amazes me what people hear and don't hear.

1. I've told you that I believe that Christian marriage is intended by God for man and woman. I would go even farther and say that sexual intimacy was designed for heterosexual couples. That, I believe, is biblical, and I've told you that I lean toward a high view of the authority of scripture.

2. Civil government is a separate issue. If this was a Christian nation, it probably isn't now. I don't get surprised often when non-Christians live like non-Christians. I still feel called to hold up Christian values; because I believe that is what is good for us, good for the world. But I try not to hold up these values in an un-Christian manner. Hate language, condemnation, accusation; it's all just so un-Jesus. We damage our credibility by behaving like idiots in the public square. We are irrational when we wave scripture at people who not only don't respect scripture; they don't even know it. If we're going to hold conservative views and champion conservative causes, let's do it in a gracious spirit. I'm as astonished by angry conservatism as much as by narrow liberality. Both extremes are tiresome.

3. I'm glad there are Christians (honest to goodness Christians) who are guarding against discrimination in our culture. No "sinner", not me, you or even gays, (other than criminals) should be deprived of basic civil rights: Is marriage one of those? That's up to the nation of self governors to decide. We have as much voice as anyone. Some Christians would say no. Many non-Christians would say no. Some would say that Christians didn't invent marriage and have no more right than others to define it. Some Christians think it's just and fair to support legal measures that secure health and welfare for everyone.

4. While my view on marriage is conservative, I'm just glad there are Christians bringing grace, maturity and love to both sides of the argument.

Watch Gods and Generals sometime. What you'll see, regardless of your view on slavery, is that there were Christians on both sides of that battlefield. However horrendous that battle was, the Civil War was truly more civil because Christians sprinkled the ranks of both north and south. How much better it all could have been if Christians everywhere had found a third way. Somehow. Somewhere. Some brilliant solution that could have prevented war and freed the slaves.

Oh, if only Christians had been more diligent at finding a third way? I don't know if there was one. But if that were today, that's a fight I'd be in. Trying to find the third way.

Next week…more about the third way and juggling our dual citizenship.