Marriage and sexuality, as God designed them, are for man and woman. Since I’m bound to upset some people on both extremes of this issue, I’ll say that right away. I’ve asked you for suggestions; hot topics and tough issues to ponder together. More than half of the respondents asked for a discussion of gay marriage and its implications. Considering how hot this topic is, and how the media and political entities have pushed it into our awareness, we’ll take more than one week to look at this from different angles.

Remember, though, some of the guiding principles that will affect our efforts. First, we’re going to be biblical. We’re going to start with scripture and try to be true to scripture, rather than hunting and picking and twisting and tweaking scripture to support, or reinforce, our presuppositions. We also have the counsel of other wise people, the guidance of the Holy Spirit and the model of Christ to inform our conversations. What did Jesus do? What did Jesus say? What would Jesus say?

I've been asking that question for months in regard to this topic. What did Jesus say? What did He say about gay marriage? What did he say about homosexuality?

Let’s look to Matthew…Mark…Luke…John… Surely, Jesus mentioned it somewhere, sometime. As crucial, seemingly central, as this topic seems to be, according to our culture, surely Jesus had something to say.

Alas, He did not. Well, he did say that “at the beginning, the Creator made them male and female, and said ‘for this reason a man will leave his mother and father and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two but one.  Therefore, what God has joined together, let not man separate.”

That certainly makes it clear that marriage is for man and woman.  But on the topic of homosexuality, Jesus is silent, at least in the recorded teachings.

So what would He say? I’ve prayed and asked and searched and wondered that dozens of times lately. Every time, the answer comes back the same. Then, I sought the help of an excellent Christian social commentator, who came to exactly the same conclusion. Call it speculation, if you like, but really, it’s quite scriptural. I’m speaking out of the loud silence of the four gospels. This is what I believe Jesus would say to us if He were here today.

Add up all the gay marriages and gay agendas and gay parades and gay this and gay that; multiply it, if you want. Still, all of it together will have harmed the institution of marriage less than the disregard of Christian heterosexual couples for the sanctity of their marriage vows and covenants.

It is not my intent to shame anyone, or to communicate a sense of outrage that denies God’s grace or mercy for those who have suffered divorce. Nothing can separate us from God’s love and His grace is sufficient for all our failings.

Still, I believe that our disregard for our vows in the common institution of marriage and our failures at problem solving amount to a far more serious threat to the institution of marriage than the relatively obscure issue of gay marriage. This strange obsession of ours is like the family watching a river rise over its banks while the pipes in the house are broken and spraying, the bathtub is full and running over and the whole thing is about the come down.  

Keith, are you doing a dodge of a hard issue? Are you scrambling around the homosexual thing?

No. The outraged evangelical church is doing a dodge and the evidence is in the gospels – and everywhere else in scripture. If we want to preserve the institution of marriage, then let us preserve our marriages. If we don’t, or won’t, or can’t, we just lose our voice altogether. To those who have been divorced, God’s grace and peace be with you. I’m not talking about your past. I’m talking about our future and the health of our current and future marriages.  

In the gospels, Jesus identifies how dismissive God-loving people can be in regard to divorce. He narrows the scope of justifiable divorce to cases of unchastity – a sexual break in trust. Most of us would hope that cases of cruelty and actual abuse are also justifiable before God. Beyond that, we want every form of irreconcilable differences to be justifiable cause.

Let me pause and say that virtually all is forgivable, if not justifiable. Again, God forgives and grace covers a multitude of failures and sins. I’ve noted for you some scripture on forgiveness and grace.  

But we dare not give up too easily and assuage our consciences too quickly; and not with grace, but with a shallow dismissive ness that be belittles our vows and devalues the miracle of what God had done – making two into one. What God hath wrought, let no man put asunder. Malachi 2:16 “God hates divorce.”

That being said enough about divorce. Let’s talk about healthy marriage, which is a better solution to divorce than harangues about divorce. Fortunately, God gives us wonderful counsel on relationships.

First, from Philippians 2, the Christian teachings on the kind of attitude that brings harmony to every human relationship.

It starts with the goal – like-mindedness, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Cool. We all want that. We all want to be on the same page – united.

Then it gives practical advice regarding our motives. Do nothing if the reason for doing it is selfish, self-promoting, vain or conceited. Literally, eliminate that kind of behavior from our lives. Wow. Not so cool. Not only is that counsel counter-intuitive. It’s radically counter-culture. Stop being self-promoting? But it’s the way of Christ. The first shall be last and the last first. The greatest is the servant. In giving up our lives we find life. In taking up our crosses, we find our real selves. Giving, loving, sacrificing, serving. That’s called Christianity.

Then it speaks to attitude. In humility, consider others better than yourselves. Note that it doesn’t say they are better.  God loves all of us and has hopeful plans for all of us! But secure in that love, our attitude is other-promoting. Our attitude ranks other people ahead of us. If I know my daddy loves me, I’ll gladly promote the sibling who isn’t quite sure of that love.  

Then it speaks to our attentions. Look out for others and their interests, not only our own.

Finally, it gives the model of Christ. Knowing who He was, from a position of strength and confidence, he humbled Himself, becoming a lowly human servant, even to the point to death.

What does that have to do with marriage?

Ephesians 5:21

Talk about outrageous, how dare the editors of the NIV put a heading between verses 21 and 22, as if they were disconnected topics.  The only reason I can think of for doing that is isogesis – bringing a presupposition of male dominance into the translation and interpretation of Ephesians 5.

The chain of thought between 21 and 22 is hardly disconnected. 21 is a presupposition statement for the next 12 verses. “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”  

This is word of God.

Wives, what are you supposed to do, according to verse 22? Submit.

Husbands, what are you supposed to do according to verse 25? Love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. What is it asking me to do? Give myself up. What does that mean? Submit. How do I know? Verse 21. How else do I know? Jesus. Jesus.  Jesus. Jesus. Jesus.

What about male headship. Jesus. That’s what it says.  Men, you want headship. You can have it. Now, do it like Jesus, who being in very nature, God, did not regard equality with God as something to be grasped, but made himself nothing.

Do I believe in husband headship? Yes, after the model of Christ. Do I believe in domineering husband headship?  No. It smells nothing like Christ. Do I believe most women would be happy with a man who treats her like Christ treats the church? Yes, and the ones who wouldn’t be happy with that wouldn’t because then they would feel shamed by such generosity, since they’re playing the power and control game, which isn’t any fun if the other isn’t playing.

Peter says virtually the same thing as Paul. Wives, submit.  Husbands, cherish your wives. I will not apologize for those words as if they were old fashioned. I will apologize to my wife, who has not always been cherished as purely as Christ cherishes His church – to the point of giving everything for her.

Doesn’t this make us doormats? Giving? Submitting?  Sacrificing? No. Jesus, knowing who He was and where He was going, washed feet. Real service and the Christian lifestyle is for the strong, secure, beloved children of God, who become outrageously generous because our souls are already secure and our truest needs have already been met in Christ, for all eternity.

Two things make this the behavior of strong people. First, we serve from a position of strength and security. Second, we still communicate our hopes.

So what if I have hopes for this life? Do I pretend I don’t? No. All of us have hobbies, needs, wants – the things that refresh us and give pleasure to life and restoration to our souls. Self-maintenance is important to our health and our relationships. So share those hope with God and with our spouses. I love making my wife’s hopes come true and she mine. I confess that when she has expectations I bristle and sometimes revolt altogether. I’m so stubborn and so resistant to being controlled. But when she tells me her honest hopes, I light up.

By the way, a woman’s hopes are not self-evident to most men. If they are not spelled out, the hopes will often not be met.  Sorry. Men are generally good at solving problems, offering solutions and answering hope. We are not, generally speaking, good mind readers.

Women, the hope most men have is generally self-evident, and scripture says that we’re not supposed to deny each other that hope, except for reasons for prayer.

There’s one more thing that most men hope for – peace in the home. Since the first hope is tied, for a woman, at least, to resolution of conflict and since the second hope is tied to the resolution of conflict, then there’s one more thing that simply must happen for marriages to stay healthy – forgiveness and the resolution of conflict.

Colossians 3:13: “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

Women – Men – forgive each other. And if it isn’t coming easily, do whatever has to be done to give forgiveness a chance. Get help. Read books. Quit your high stress jobs. Sell the house. Whatever. Then, let God reset the relationship and re-kindle the flame.

Obviously, this whole scheme works better when both husband and wife are playing the game. When one isn’t, the other isn’t excused. It just means we have to shore up our security in Christ and our strength in the Lord to serve, from a position of strength, the one that we’ve vowed to serve and to love and to cherish in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better for worse, till death to us part.

One more thing: two really. From Hebrews 13:4:  “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and the sexually immoral. Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have.”

Two usurpers to our contentedness – sexual immorality and greed.  They are like corrosive chemicals that eat away at our best instincts for contentedness in our marriages. They kill. They simply kill marriages. I suspect that all of us are susceptible to one or the other. God help us. Let’s help each other. We can do it.